Thursday, September 03, 2009

Bathroom Turbulence

Since the methodology of Accomplishing Your Business in public restrooms is ever changing, one never knows what to expect.

Back in the good old days, the obvious was.
  • Reach for your share of a small roll of toilet paper.
  • Flush toilet to flush it.
  • Turn faucet to start water.
  • Turn faucet to stop water.
  • Pull cotton roll or paper towels to dry hands.
  • Or, push button on hand dryer and spend next five minutes trying to dry hands.
  • If used paper, toss paper towel in giant and obvious waste paper basket.
  • Open bathroom door with (OH MY! We DIDN'T!) bare hands to exit, which, if you were forced to use the dryer, were still wet because the air dryer puffed (barely) cold air.
  • Done.
Then things, they fluxxed and changed in a hurry. Before we knew it, new (new, new!) procedures started going something like this:
  • Attempt to enter stall and turn around since toilet paper roll is as big as a small child, waste basket takes up space, door swings in (Duh!), suitcase can't fit between you and toilet and door you're trying to close ...
  • Toilet flushes.
  • Squat and toilet flushes.
  • Reach for toilet paper and toilet flushes.
  • Do your business—and toilet does not flush.
  • Engage in calisthenics in stall until toilet flushes or you hear your flight number boarding.
  • Put hands under spout to start water (or not).
  • Water turns off before you're done singing Happy Birthday five times.
  • Put hands under spout to start water again (or not).
  • Wildly wave hands in front of electronic "eye," which does not dispense paper towel.
  • Discern there is no "eye" in this towel dispenser so try to look casual as you push the button, like you knew it was there all along and were previously trying to flag a fly out of your face.
  • Open bathroom door with paper towel (H1N1!!!!!!!!!!!) and toss towel …
  • Stuff damp towel in your pocket because waste basket is not near enough.
  • Done. Sort of.
But just when I thought I had every option in the system down pat (well, you know what I mean), during a recent trip to Denver, things switched up again when I found myself in the nongender (wow!) restroom at the Rioja Restaurant! (A short review of yummy restaurant follows this post.)
When I got to the dry-your-hands part, I discovered the Dyson Airblade. (ACTION video link) With the Dyson Airblade (scary name, no?), one dips ones hands down into the BLASTING AIR, or "blade." (See Rioja directions in top photo.) Sha-ZAM! Your hands are dried.
I don't wear acrylic nails, but I'm wondering if they could endure such a swift and complete BLAST without taking flight! If you want to dry your hair, you're out of luck--unless your head is unusually small. And if you could fit your head down into the "blade," I'm guessing it would blow your eyes out of their sockets, and maybe an ear or two off your head.
The whole experience was so exciting and efficient that I returned to the table and told my tablemates they simply must check it out, which they did.
What next? A bidet (first two link definitions will crack you up, and I am, BTW, talking about #1-hahahaha!) that does it all? If Dyson takes to this idea, HANG ON TO YOUR PARTS!

Charlene short review of the Rioja: LOVED IT!
The Rioja Picnic appetizer (above) is worth the trip.